


you got me giving it all to you, wondering if you know

by Boj



Series: you got me giving it all to you, wondering if you know [1]
Category: Charlie's Angels (2019), Charlie's Angels (Movies - McG)
Genre: "Theatre Kids", A Little Underage Drinking/Smoking, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst and Feels, Coming of Age, F/F, Internalized Homophobia, Private School, Pushing People Away Because You Like Them: A Concept, Slow Burn, Useless Lesbians, When I Say Private School: I Mean An All Girls One, lots of leather jackets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-02
Updated: 2020-01-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:40:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22079347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Boj/pseuds/Boj
Summary: Elena hesitated, she hadn’t thought this far ahead. It had just been speculation after speculation, her mind living in a fantasy where everything either worked out or nothing happened at all. It was black and white. Yes or no. That was how equations worked, solutions had one answer. Sabina had never been a part of the plan, some sort of uneven, grey space in the middle of nowhere.Or:Elena's the new kid. Sabina is everything she never knew she needed.
Relationships: Elena Houghlin/Sabina Wilson
Series: you got me giving it all to you, wondering if you know [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1667149
Comments: 15
Kudos: 132





	you got me giving it all to you, wondering if you know

**Author's Note:**

> she's a long one. hope you enjoy :)

Elena clutched her backpack tightly to her chest as Ingrid braked sharply, her car jolting to a rough stop in the parking lot. 

“Well, here we are. Townsend Academy. Ready for your first day?” Ingrid glanced at her expectantly, pulling her blonde hair into a messy bun. 

“Uh, yeah, I guess. I’m not really sure what to expect, should be pretty different than my old school. No boys, first of all.” 

Ingrid drained the rest of her coffee, throwing the empty cup onto the already growing pile in her backseat. “You’ll be fine. What’s your first class again?” 

“AP Calc,” Elena said, unfolding the schedule she’d shoved in her blazer pocket. 

Ingrid started going off about how she had Mr. Johnson her junior year, but then she switched second semester and now she took AP Economics  _ and  _ Statistics and Elena should really make sure she has a good graphing calculator and—

“Who’s that?” 

Ingrid followed her gaze across the parking lot, where two girls leaned up against the brick wall. The one on the left had the longest legs Elena had ever seen, with thick, black Doc Martens on her feet that were definitely not part of the two-page dress code Elena had read. Laughing next to her was a blonde with closely cropped hair. A red leather jacket was slung over her shoulders and her stiff, white shirt was unbuttoned halfway; Elena could see the straps of her neon sports bra peeking out, the blue stark against her pale skin.

“Oh,  _ those _ two?” 

“Why do you say it like that?” 

Ingrid shook her head. “No, I mean they’re fine. Just a little out there, you know? You’ll figure out how this school works quickly, don’t worry.” 

Ingrid was a decent neighbor and carpool driver, but Elena felt like she laid on the superior senior card a little thick sometimes, with her perfectly starched shirts and color-coordinated folders. She liked coming to her own conclusions, not following in the footsteps of other people’s judgements. She watched as the blonde threw an arm around the brunette, both of them tossing their heads back in laughter. “Are they…together? Like dating?” Elena asked hesitantly, watching Ingrid’s expression carefully.

Ingrid just laughed, sliding out of the car. “Nah, just good friends. Former frenemies actually. Besides, I think Sabina’s the only out lesbian at this school anyway.” 

_ Besides me _ , Elena wanted to add. She’d always known, but lately it seemed like it was more prominent, an energy just buzzing restlessly under her skin. It was helpless, lonesome to have something so vibrant running through her that she couldn’t touch, couldn’t quite reach. 

“Come on, I’ll introduce you. You need to start meeting some new people anyway.” 

Elena dutifully trailed after her, smoothing out her plaid uniform skirt self-consciously. The wool wasn’t doing her any favors. Her backpack dug in her shoulders and she regretted getting notebooks for every class. Classic “new kid” move. 

“Ingrid! How are you dude?” The blonde immediately spotted them, her face lighting up as she high-fived Ingrid. 

“Ready for this year to end already,” Ingrid complained, pulling Elena into their circle. 

The taller one squinted at her, surprising Elena with her lilting British accent. “Who’s this?” 

“Oh, um, I’m Elena. Houglin. I’m new this year.” 

Ingrid rolled her eyes, “Don’t sell yourself short, Elena.” She turned back to the pair, “She’s here on the Angels scholarship, you know the math one for juniors? Basically has a full ride to Harvard already.” 

The blonde let out a low whistle as Elena blushed, stammering to explain. “Damn. That’s sick. Well, I’m Sabina and this giant,” she jerked her thumb to the girl next to her, “is Jane. We’re both seniors.” 

“Nice to meet you,” Elena offered, unsure of what to say next. Sabina had so much energy, she left her a little stunned. She’d already switched places with Jane twice and was constantly fidgeting; pushing her hair out of her face or toying with the literal  _ skateboard _ strapped to her backpack. 

“Likewise,” Jane said as the bell rang. “Have a good first day.” 

Sabina high-fived her as she headed past, encapsulating Elena’s hand into hers, like some type of intimate handshake. “Yeah, see you around, Houghlin!” 

Elena stumbled through a response, shoving her hands deep into her pockets as she watched Sabina navigate her way through the crowd.

“I’ll meet you here at 4:00, okay?” Ingrid asked as they made their way up the steps.

Elena eyed the crowded hallway ahead of her, pushing her shoulders back with a forceful exhale. “Yeah, see you then.” 

Elena only got lost twice, baffled by the two sets of trophy cases that looked identical. This was  _ definitely _ not her old school. For one, the bathrooms were actually clean and stayed unlocked during the day. The classes were insane. Her course load was mostly math and science based, with a few computer and coding classes thrown in for fun. Judging from the syllabuses and the growing stack of textbooks in her arms, Elena was certain she might really learn something here. That would be a first. 

Lunch was daunting, just a courtyard filled with pre-established friend groups. It was a juniors-only lunch period, so Elena couldn’t even spend it with Ingrid and her friends. Still, she did the best she could, plopping herself down into a partially open circle of girls, with a confident, “Hi, I’m Elena. I’m new this year, mind if I sit here?” They were all nice enough, mostly what Elena thought people would be like at this school: a polite mix of old and new money with a parking lot full of Jeeps and BMWs. 

She was grateful by the time her last class finished, backpack heavy with all of her new textbooks and blisters on her feet from her too-shiny shoes. Ingrid grilled her about her day as they jogged to the car, hoping to get out of the parking lot before it turned into a traffic jam.

The leather seats burned hot on the back of her thighs as Elena threw herself into the passenger seat, Ingrid already pulling out of their parking spot before she could even get her seatbelt buckled.

“Hey! Hey, wait!” 

Ingrid slammed on the breaks, sighing in frustration as Sabina’s face peered through Elena’s window, her silver rings clinking against the glass. Elena rolled it down, basking in the cool breeze that wafted into the stifling car. 

“Hey! How’d it go?” Sabina bent down to ask, her head so close to Elena’s she could see the tiny beads of sweat that lined her hairline. She smelled like sweat and watermelon gum, the artificial flavoring Elena loved when she was younger. 

“It was good, yeah. Classes went okay and everything. The math department is insane.” 

“Well, good. I’m glad.” Sabina leaned up against the window frame, her hand so close to Elena’s arm she could feel the heat radiating from it. 

“Me too,” Ingrid piped up, “so can we go now? This parking lot is about to get insane.” 

“See you guys tomorrow.” Sabina said, jumping on her skateboard and disappearing into the rest of the parking lot. Elena mulled over their conversation as Ingrid drove them home, the trashy pop she was blasting doing nothing to distract her. 

“Think about what clubs you want to join!” Ingrid called out the window, after Elena stepped out of the car, house keys jingled in her hand. All she could think about was putting her AC on full blast. California was  _ hot _ . 

— 

The gym was sweltering as Elena walked around, tossing her apple between her hands as she surveyed the rows of folding tables. They had posters boards advertising all types of clubs, some with bowls of candy as added promotion and hastily scribbled signs with thick, colorful markers. Bougie. 

She’d already put her name down on the list for both the math team and robotics, but she still had ten minutes of lunch left to kill. The GSA had a large table in the corner Elena kept avoiding, her eyes still drawn to it. The members behind the table joked around with each other, laughing as they passed out pride stickers and flags to students who passed by. Elena knew it was simple, she didn’t even have to put her name down anywhere, she could just take a button or sticker and move on with her day. Simple.

She’d just taken her first step in that direction when someone called her name. Elena whirled around to find Jane and Sabina waving at her from the theater club’s table. Their table was covered in pictures of shows they’d done, plus a few props and costume pieces. Jane perched on a chair, handing her a schedule of their upcoming season, while Sabina leaned up against the table, twirling what Elena hoped was a fake dagger in her hands.

“Give it a try!” Sabina grinned. “We get snacks after rehearsals!” 

“What are you wearing?” Elena just noticed Sabina’s outfit, a billowing white shirt and what looked like a cape, with black ripped jeans and sneakers. 

“We’re doing a contemporary Romeo and Juliet,” Jane explained, “I’m stunt coordinator and Sabina’s probably gonna do lighting again.” 

The bell rang over her and Elena rushed out of the gym, throwing a hasty, “I’ll check it out," over her shoulder as she tucked the flyer in her back pocket. 

It turned out Ingrid also did theatre (stage manager because “college applications!”) and since they met after school occasionally, Elena decided she’d rather have something to do while she was waiting around. Tech crew sounded interesting and used the same computer program Elena knew from her coding class, so she spent rehearsal learning how to run the sound board. It was really just pushing buttons at the right time, so she was great at it. 

Rehearsals also meant she spent a lot of time in close proximity with Sabina. A lot of time with Sabina in the dark, wooden smelling theater that was smaller than it seemed, all tight aisles and dark corners.

Sabina who bounced around on stage grinning as the director yelled at her, pencil tucked behind her ear and hands full of lighting equipment. Sabina who shucked off her blazer after climbing all over the catwalk, randomly appearing in front of Elena in the tightest, whitest tank-top known to mankind. Sabina who spent most of rehearsal sending theater kid memes in their group chat. Sabina who acted out the cell block tango from  _ Chicago _ in between acts on the catwalk, leaving Elena to crane her neck and then immediately look the other way in case she was spotted, palms sweaty. 

When she wasn’t pushing buttons or working out math problems, Elena spent a lot of time watching Sabina.

By the third week, she knew her favorite snack was the organic fruit snacks from the vending machine by the North gym and that she drank insane amounts of coffee when she’d stayed up late the night before, with unhealthy amounts of sugar and cream, from the largest, most obnoxious neon orange thermos. Elena also knew something about herself, which was that she was falling too hard and much too fast. She always did. 

— 

_ Hey! It’s Elena, from theater club and also Ingrid’s carpool? Ingrid gave me your number, if that’s alright? _

Elena stared down at her phone, hidden underneath her lab notebook. Her foot bounced underneath the table and she drilled her fingers against the wood. She finally gave up, shoving her phone deep into her bag and only remembered to look at it again during lunch, nearly dropped her entire sandwich on the grass in her haste to unlock it.

_ hey!!! whats up? _

_ Ingrid can’t drive me home from rehearsal today, so she said I could ask you? No worries if you can’t! I know it’s Friday and everything. _

_ ofc id b happy 2!! _

_ Thank you! See you at rehearsal!  _

_ Sabina Wilson loved your message.  _

_ c u then :) _

_ — _

Elena spent the entire rehearsal alternating between wanting to throw up or pass out. She missed at least three cues and had to erase an entire page of math problems, eraser tearing through her thin notebook paper. Trigonometry could go to hell. 

She packed and repacked her backpack while she waited for Sabina to emerge from the catwalk at the end of rehearsal. She could hear her and Jane laughing as they made their way up to the sound booth, but she busied herself with reorganizing the cup of pens on the desk. They had too many highlighters. All green. Arguably the worst color. 

“Ready to go?” 

Elena looked up at Sabina, bouncing on her feet as she twirled her lanyard of keys between her fingers. Her cropped sweatshirt rode up every time she rolled back on her heels, exposing a sliver of her midriff that Elena spent all of her energy on  _ not _ looking at. 

“Uh, yeah, give me one second.” Elena grabbed the one notebook she’d kept out and shoved it into her backpack, taking extra long to zip it away so she wouldn’t look  _ too _ eager to leave. The rest of the school was fairly deserted, so their walk to the parking lot was quiet, Sabina bringing up the occasional funny mishap that had plagued their rehearsal that day. Elena was hyper aware of  _ everything _ , every glance Sabina threw her way, every time their steps coincided, every breath she forgot to take. 

They finally reached the parking lot and Elena squinted, eyes adjusting to the fading sunlight after being stuck under fluorescent lighting the whole day. Sabina gestured towards a beat-up blue Subaru ( _ of course _ , Elena thought). “Well, here she is!” 

“She?” 

“Yeah, Nancy and I go  _ way  _ back.” Sabina laughed, shoving a pile of crumpled papers and an empty water bottle off of Elena’s seat. “Sorry about the mess.”

Elena gestured flippantly. “No worries. I’m more concerned about the fact that you  _ named _ your car?” She shifted around, trying to avoid sitting on what looked like old chemistry homework. 

Sabina shifted out of the parking lot, rolling down the windows slightly. “Dude, you  _ didn’t _ ? You’re missing out. Think of the possibilities. There’s thousands of them!” 

“I’ll take your word for it,” Elena said, leaning back in her seat as she relaxed in the breeze coming through the windows. The sun flickered through the leaves of the trees that lined the neighborhood, with their paved sidewalks and potted plants. A biker peddled past them, green bike frame glinting in the light. Sabina shimmed out of her sweatshirt, exposing her red crop-top and what seemed like even more acres of tanned, toned skin. Elena’s mouth went dry. She tapped her fingers against her thigh, eyes trained on the road in front of her. 

Sabina looked over at her, eyes eager. “Music?”

“Sure. I’m good with whatever.” Elena said, already anticipating Sabina would play hostess and ask her what she wanted to listen to. It was particularly true; she did listen to wide genre of music, but she was mostly interested in hearing what Sabina listened to. She shouldn’t have been surprised with the first notes of “Hand in My Pocket” sprang out of Sabina’s speakers, fuzzy with static. Of course she would drive a Subaru and listen to Alanis Morrisette and wear jeans so ripped they were practically shorts. Elena felt like she’d missed out on some serious queer memos sometimes. How could she really be into girls if she had a closet devoid of flannels and hadn’t even kissed anyone? She knew it was dumb, stupid to think so, but she had an uncanny ability to make other people’s insecurities her own. 

“You like it?” Sabina’s voice rose to be heard over the thumping bass and wind whipping in from the open windows. 

Elena tried to scrape her hair out of her face and tame in down into a ponytail. “Yeah, I love this song! My mom used to play it for me when I was younger.“ She could see it now, kitchen warm, smelling faintly of lemons while her mom twirled her around, radio blaring behind them. Sabina hummed along, but it wasn’t long before they were both belted out the lyrics through the open windows, green trees blurring in with the sky behind them. 

_ I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby. _

_ — _

Townsend Academy wasn’t half bad, Elena concluded, scrubbing a hand over her face as she set her laptop aside, her thighs hot where it had been sitting. There was a lot of homework, but she liked it all, even the computer class that was basically re-teaching what she’d already taught herself at her old school. She’d always been a teacher’s pet, a little Hermione Granger type, but it seemed like everyone was like that here, not afraid of trying hard to get what they wanted. There was plenty of opportunities and clubs; so once theater ended, she was ready to go full force into robotics. 

It was dark outside and she pulled her curtains shut, sliding her notebooks back into her backpack. She padded to the bathroom, tile cold underneath her feet as she brushed her teeth, toothbrush hanging from her mouth as she tried to scrape her curls into an unruly ponytail. 

It was nice, not being the only girl in STEM based classes and clubs. She could speak up for once without the fear of some dumb, pimply freshmen mansplaining circuit boards to her. She’d met some pretty nice people too, like Emily “I go by Langston” Langston, another junior who was also in her 3rd hour AP Calc class. She was insane at programing and had the best handwriting Elena had ever seen, which meant she was always in charge of writing down their weekly schedule, which usually involved lots of snacks and Elena always came home covered in grease, with links of code streaming through her head.

She slid under her covers, noting how it was fulfilling the fact that she was finally confident that this was her  _ thing,  _ that she could do this the rest of her life and be happy with it. It was a warm feeling realizing what you wanted and knowing how you could get there, even with whatever obstacles were thrown your way. Too bad it wasn’t a frequent one. 

_ —  _

Sabina’s foot found hers underneath the table. Elena expected her to apologize in that soft way she did, raspy voice humming through the air, move it away, and look back down at her homework. But she didn’t. She kept it there, her leather boot resting on top of Elena’s sneaker. If Elena thought about it too much, she could feel the warmth seep through their shoes, could look up at Sabina and then dart her eyes away like the thought had never crossed her mind. The thought already had though. Just like the way she lay in bed at night, aching at the memory of Sabina’s hand brushing past hers during rehearsals, the way she grabbed her arm whenever she was excited about something. 

She saw Sabina in the hallways sometimes, usually slapping high-fives with her friends with some shit-eating grin across her face that made Elena’s heart swell and burst all at once. Even with everything, the pit of longing and confusion twisted in her stomach, Elena knew she could be, she  _ should  _ be happy with having Sabina as a friend. She was funny, with her wicked quips and pranks she pulled on her friends, leaving them all shrieking with peals of laughter in the hallways. Smart and kind and loyal, everything Elena could ever want in a friend.

Everything she could ever want in _more_ than a friend, she reminded herself with a sudden burst of frustration, fists clenching underneath the table. During math class, turning her drawings of triangles into sketches of Sabina’s jawbone and tangles of hearts; in the middle of the night, fingers posed on the keyboard as she typed and erased countless texts to Sabina, wondering how one leather jacket could leave her _so_ absolutely wrecked. 

She slammed her laptop shut, swearing at the string of code she knew would go unsaved. Elena jerked her head towards the door, shoving her notebooks back into her bag. “M’gonna head out.” 

She watched Sabina startle, head snapping up as she looked at Elena. The confusion was evident on her face and Elena wondered how easy it would be for her to stay, to keep working, to wait long after Ingrid finished wrapping up just so Sabina could drive her home again. “Oh, wait, what?” 

Elena held up her phone. “Yeah, Ingrid got done early. I’m just gonna meet her in the parking lot. Thanks for waiting though.” 

“Yeah, yeah, no problem.” Sabina raked a hand through her hair, something flashing through her eyes for a split second before she steeled her face. “Have a good weekend!” 

Elena had already headed down the hallway but she threw a quick, “thanks, you too,” over her shoulder, wondering why she kept  _ fucking _ up her chances to spend time with Sabina. Something about her just attracted Elena, drew her in no matter how hard she tried to avoid it. Sabina was the world’s largest question mark. Elena thought she was smart, but she’d never felt more clueless. And it  _ sucked _ . 

Elena planted a weak kick on a nearby locker. She swore as she limped over to the parking lot and hoping that Ingrid would be finished before it got dark, she had three tests tomorrow to study for. 

— 

Elena got ambushed in the hallway by Jane and her group of athletic look friends, who snuck up on her like some sort of lady spy group in matching sports gear. “Party tonight. My place.” 

Elena jumped, slamming her head into the side of her locker and fumbling with her stack of notebooks. “Ouch. Uh, sure? So am I, is this like a…?” She gestured between herself and Jane, rubbing her head. 

Jane rolled her eyes, her friends sharing humorous looks. “Yes, Houghlin. This is me inviting you. See you there.” 

“Great, uh, great! Thanks!” Elena called after them, their sporty ponytails swishing down the hallway. “Wait, what’s you address? And what time?” 

“I’ll have Sabina text you the details.” 

— 

_ Here!!!! :))))) _

Elena glanced down at her phone, spitting the last of her toothpaste into the sink. She paused by the hallway mirror, pushing her hair out of her face and smoothing out her shirt with shaky hands. Her bedroom floor was a mess, covered in the three thousand outfit combinations she’d put together and ultimately rejected, finally going with a tight, red tank-top and well-worn blue jeans. Cute and casual. She was stalling and she knew it, trying to wait a few moments longer so she could pull herself together and stop acting like a 13 year-old boy on his first date. It wasn’t a date, just a party. She could handle a party.

_ coming now!  _ Elena texted back, slipping on her sneakers as she headed out the door, Sabina’s Subaru waiting for her outside. She waved, jumping out to open the passenger door for her, Elena’s eyes widening. What was that?

“Hey dude! You ready for this party?” Sabina peeled out her driveway, windows down. 

“I’m always ready to party. Party’s my middle name.” Elena could have smacked herself,  _ party’s my middle name _ ? She was supposed to be playing it casual, under control, not like a total dork. 

“Good, good.” Sabina said, the barest hint of a grin on her face. She launched into an explanation of how she had a few more people to pick up and then they’d all head to Jane’s after stopping at the Target close to her house, ‘cause she never had enough chips and you couldn’t have a party without chips. “You look cute, by the way,” Sabina tossed out casually, like she and Elena were friends and she was complimenting her outfit on a Friday night. 

Because they  _ were _ friends, Elena reminded herself, face flushing. “Thanks, you too.” Sabina had some sparkly silver dress on, that would look horribly tacky on literally anyone else. “Kinda weird without the uniforms—not like you ever wear yours anyway.” 

Sabina laughed. “I think I’ve worn my whole uniform once, like on the first day of freshman year. Blazer, those itchy socks, the whole thing. S’fine though, they’ve definitely stopped trying to give me detention about it. I basically ran out of fucks to give in the early 2000s.” 

They lapsed into easy conversation, stopping every once in a while to pick up more of Sabina’s friends. Lily, Addie, and Maggie somehow squished into the tiny back seats, leaving Elena to wonder why she still had ownership over the passenger seat, being the youngest of the bunch. Was seniority not a thing anymore?

They were a loud bunch, all neon Hawaiian shirts, backwards hats, and laughing and yelling over each other as Sabina blasted music and Elena tried to keep up with the rapid paced conversations. There was a minimum of three going on at the same time. She was relieved when they finally got to Target, spending a few moments by herself in the chip aisle, trying to calm herself down and stop overthinking every,  _ single  _ situation while she decided between wavy and plain chips. 

But then Sabina had grabbed her hand when they were checking out and didn’t let go, not even when Elena almost dropped two bags of lime-flavored chips on the way back to the car, laughing nervously as she could feel her face heating up. And what the  _ fuck _ was she supposed to think then, with Sabina’s thumb warm on her wrist? They piled the bags into the trunk and Elena thought they were going to head out, but Sabina and her friends stood around the car, illuminated by light pole in the fairly empty lot. 

“We’re gonna smoke before we go,” Sabina explained, digging around in her pockets. “Do you want to?” 

“Don’t make her do it if she doesn't want to, Sabina,” Addie or maybe Maggie said, Elena wasn’t sure which one was which. They somehow all looked the same.

“No, it’s okay. I’m down for whatever.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah,” Elena said, finding herself standing next to Sabina as she lit up a blunt, hand cupped over her neon yellow lighter to block out the wind. She’d smoked before, with her cousins and behind the shed at math camp, but she was still antsy as Sabina passed it around, her friends blowing perfect rings. Every time she looked over at Sabina she was glued to her phone, fingers moving rapidly against her screen, no doubt in the middle of a conversation. The joint was nearly gone by the time it got to her and Elena swore as she burned her fingers, almost dropping the whole thing onto the pavement. She took the smallest of hits, coughing as the smoke hit her lungs.

“Here, let me.” Sabina took it, somehow had snuck up behind her and placed her hand on Elena’s back and all she could focus on was the roar of the highway behind them, the bugs buzzing around the light. “Wanna shotgun?”

“I-uh..” Did she want Sabina’s mouth  _ that _ close to hers, faces  _ inches _ apart as she blows smoke into Elena’s mouth? “Sure. Why not.” 

The  _ not  _ of why not turned out to be because Elena wasn’t sure if she would ever be able to recover from Sabina’s lips wrapping around the paper, her face bathed in yellow light, her eyes open as she blew leftover smoke into Elena’s open mouth. Their faces were inches apart and Elena was sure she blacked out, right then and there, and then woke up with Sabina stubbing out what was left of the blunt underneath her scuffed up high-top and the rest of them piling into the car, eyes already bloodshot and laughing even louder than before. 

She shivered once they got back into the car, the late night air cooler than she wanted it to be. “Cold?” Sabina didn’t wait for an answer, rooting around in the backseat until she pulled out a black leather jacket and threw it at Elena with one hand, the other one blasting the heat. 

And Sabina’s friends were loud in the backseat and Sabina was taking the curves awfully fast but all Elena could think about is how she was wearing Sabina’s jacket. It smelled like coffee and the theater and old weed and Sabina  _ gave it to her _ . To wear. Because she wanted her to. Elena was high off of everything, the weed, the way Sabina’s mouth looked curved wetly around the joint, and the way that she knew even if everything went shit, she’d be fine. Because she was finally,  _ finally _ fine with herself. It was a lot. A lot, a lot. 

So she tried to stop thinking about it, throwing herself into the sing-along they were having with Addie’s “Top Hits from the 90s” playlist. There was too much Britney, plus no one knew as many Spice Girl lyrics as she did, so Elena wasn’t sure if she was embarrassed or impressed with herself. But then Sabina smiled at her, placing her hand on Elena’s thigh and she was back to square one, mind moving in a million directions at once. Her warm hand, on Elena’s thigh, fingers against her skin where her jeans were ripped. What the actual  _ fuck _ . 

— 

“Boz!” Sabina’s voice was shrill in Elena’s ear, her hand leaving Elena’s thigh as she stumbled out of the car the moment it was parked. Elena watched her throw her arms around a blonde who was standing in front of a bright red motorcycle. Elena’s stomach dropped as she watched Sabina practically hanging off of her, smearing the blonde’s red lipstick all across her face as she kissed her cheek and apparently missed, the pair throwing their heads back in laughter. 

Elena swallowed hard, something dark emerging within her as she stepped out of the car, leaving the jacket behind on the seat. Because of course Sabina would have a girlfriend. A wonderfully, woefully hot girlfriend with a motorcycle and the tightest jeans Elena had ever seen. 

“Elena,” Sabina waved her over, mouth open in a loopy smile, “come over here!” 

Elena dutifully walked over, dragging her feet the entire time, voice tight. “Yes?”

The blonde offered a small wave. “I’m Rebekah Bosley, nice to meet you!” 

“Likewise.”

“I’ve heard so much about you!” Rebekah or Boz or whoever she was smiled. She was being tugged away by Sabina, telling Elena that she’d see her later. She threw an arm around Rebekah’s shoulder, their heads close together in conversation as they headed up the steps.

Elena felt a foot tall, watching Sabina and Rebekah disappear into Jane’s enormous house, surrounded by Sabina’s friends who she didn’t even know. Her tank-top was too tight, feet heavy as she followed behind, high of whatever had happened before wearing off in seconds. Elena wondered how much alcohol Jane had at her house, contemplating if it would even be enough. 

— 

The basement was loud and bright; Christmas lights were strung up haphazardly and the air was hot. Sweaty and smoky, it had an otherworldly feel and Elena felt like she was having an out-of-body experience. The lights flashed on and off, casting edgy shadows on the crowd. She squeezed her way into the crowd, hyperaware of other people’s elbows knocking into her sides, their hair swinging into her face. She threw her hands up, sloshing half of her drink onto the floor, her feet sliding in the sticky liquid.

The room tilted for a second and Elena made the mistake of shaking her head, only making it worse. Suddenly she was too hot, the bodies pressed up against her too close. There were too many boys, with their salmon-colored khaki shorts and wandering hands and heavy cologne. Something she hadn’t missed at all from her old school. She pushed her way through the crowd, gripping the railing tightly as she made her way up the stairs. 

“El? You good, dude?” Elena whipped around to find Sabina staring at her, her short, sparkling dress doing  _ everything  _ for her legs. Sabina sounded just as wasted as Elena felt, eyes still bloodshot from earlier as she leaned up against Jane’s kitchen counter, cup in hand. 

Elena shook her head, then nodded, and shook it again. She was starting to wonder what the point of being drunk was. “Fine. M’gonna get some air.” She headed towards the patio doors, hoping that escaping the party and Sabina for a few moments would be enough to clear her head. 

“Wait.” Sabina’s hand grabbed for her wrist, eyes curious. “You’re sure? That you’re alright?” 

“I--” Elena paused, wondering if Sabina could feel her pulse thrum beneath her thumb. “I’m fine.” 

“Yeah, yeah. Sure. See you.” Sabina smiled but it didn’t quite reach her eyes and Elena turned before she had to look at her any longer. 

It was stupid, coming to this party, to think she had been flirting all this time, to think that Sabina, of all the cool, badass seniors she knew, would feel something,  _ anything _ for her. Elena chewed her lip as she leaned up against the railing, wood damp against her hands. She’d just wait. Just keep waiting until she was in college and could make herself go to GSA meetings and dates and kiss a pretty girl behind a coffee shop after their first date. She’d get one of those pride flags and hang it in her dorm, fill her social media posts with pictures of her and her girlfriend. She could wait. She was good at waiting. She could wait and wait and wait and wait and—

“Elena? What are you doing out here?” 

Elena sighed, spinning around to look up at Rebekah. Could this night get any worse? “M’fine.”

Rebekah crossed her arms, the straps of her top slipping down she shoulders as she shivered in the cold air that Elena had already numbed to. “You don’t look fine. How drunk are you?” 

Elena gave a harsh laugh. “Not nearly enough.” 

“You’ve been crying?” 

“What? No, I—“ Elena swiped at her face, surprised to find her cheeks wet. Her shoulders slumped and she leaned heavily against the deck, suddenly exhausted. 

Rebekah looked concerned but also unsure of what to do, hovering around Elena with her hands out in front of her, like she’d break at any second, one of those antique glass figurines. “Oh. Uh, hold on, let me get Jane. I’m not good at this kind of stuff.” 

Elena folded into herself as she waited for Rebekah to reappear, a reluctant Jane coming into focus behind her, music leaking out of the opened sliding door behind them. 

“Love, what’s going on?” Jane’s accent came out full force, likely due to two games of beer pong Elena had watched her win. 

“M’cold. And tired. I don’t wanna be here anymore. Wanna go home.”

“Oh god, a literal child,” Jane swore under her breath, coming over to tuck Elena under her arm, waving off an apologetic looking Rebekah. “Come on, you need some water and a sweatshirt.” Elena looked up at her, surprised that Jane had even an ounce of parental instinct in her, but she followed her through the house anyway, stumbling through the crowded hallways, narrowly avoiding sloshing cups, and complaining about the horrible taste in music. 

“I’m just drunk and tired,” Elena whined as Jane pulled her up the stairs with minimal effort, tugging her into her room. “I’m tired.” 

Jane sighed. “I know. You said that already.” She deposited Elena on her bed, disappearing into a large walk-in closet. 

Elena slumped over, staring up at Jane’s ceiling. She still had glow-in-the-dark stars and her bulletin board was covered in equal parts college acceptance letters, aggressive inspirational quotes, and detailed sketches.  _ She was good at everything _ , Elena concluded,  _ how unfair _ . She rolled over, shoving her face into the purple comforter. 

“Here.” Jane dropped a well-worn grey sweatshirt next to her, followed by a full water bottle. “Drink.” 

Elena pulled on the sweatshirt, groaning when she got her head stuck in it and could just tell Jane was laughing at her without even looking. “No.” 

“ _ Elena. _ ” 

“Fine.” The pair was silent as Elena downed half of the bottle, glaring at Jane once she finished and tossed it aside. “Now I feel gross.”

“That’s the half of the liquor cabinet that you drank, not the water.” Jane countered, settling on the carpeted floor underneath Elena’s feet. “Now what’s up?” 

“M’fine.” 

“Obviously not. Spill.” 

“I’m just… _ tired _ .” 

“Of what?” 

E l ena toyed with a loose thread on the blanket, twisting it around her finger. “Everything. I just…never know what I’m doing. With any of it. She’s just so—“ She realized her mistake too late, scrambling to backtrack and cover it up. “Uh, no. No, I mean  _ he’s _ just—” 

“No, I get that. Girls are confusing.” 

“You? I didn’t think…”

“Yeah, I’m bi. It’s not really something I advertise a lot, I guess.” Jane huffed out a soft laugh. “Not as much as Sabina or Chloe.  Well, if you gone to GSA once...you'd know. Like, you looked like you really wanted to that day we called you over to the theater table. ” They were quiet for a moment before Jane spoke again, her tone serious. “But, trust me. It gets better, alright? You’ve got plenty of time left to figure things out. I mean, it’s not like you picked the easiest girl to crush on, I know Sabina can be--” 

“What?! How do you know?”

“I never said I  _ knew _ . Let’s just say, you hide it well,” Jane teased, standing up from her spot on the floor. “On the occasion.” 

Elena flopped back onto the bed, face flushed with embarrassment. Jane looked pointedly at the half-empty water bottle next to her, but Elena shook her head, sending the room spinning. If Jane knew, who else did? Elena had a sudden idea of Sabina hanging off of Rebekah, their heads together laughing about her, a naive little junior with the audacity to crush on a senior. She swallowed hard, saliva pooling in her mouth. “Jane? I think I’m gonna—” 

Jane pulled her up off of the bed, shoving her in the direction of the bathroom with a stern, “Do  _ not _ puke on my carpet.”

Elena gagged in response, head already in Jane’s, thankfully very clean, toilet. She shut her eyes, trying to take deep breathes through her nose. She was  _ not  _ about to throw up at this party. It took a few moments, but she finally sat back up, leaning against the sink and wondering why anyone would ever get this drunk. Jane appeared in the doorway and handed Elena a toothbrush and her phone. “I’m going to get my car keys back so I can drive you home, but wait here until I get back. In case you, you know.” She gestured vaguely. “I’m good to drive, so don’t worry.” 

Elena nodded weakly, pulling the sweatshirt around her tighter. One drunk version of herself wanted to protest about Jane having to miss her own party so that she could drive her home, but the other drunk version of herself was tired, still slightly nauseous, and sworn off love indefinitely. High school, private or public, sucked.

\--

“Elena?” 

“Still here,” Elena called back, leaning against the counter as she brushed her teeth, desperate to get the taste of Malibu out of her mouth. Lily made horrible mixed drinks--she relied way too much on cheap, fruity tequila. Elena knew she’d never look at artificial strawberry flavoring the same way again. 

“I’ve been looking all over for—“

“Oh.” Elena spotted Sabina’s reflection in the mirror, the blonde leaning casually against the doorframe. “I thought you were Jane.” 

Sabina shrugged, “Nope, sorry to disappoint. Feeling better?” 

Elena nodded slowly, “Um, yeah. Yeah. Look I’m gonna head out.” She gestured towards the door. “Jane’s driving me home. Have a good rest of your night.” 

“Oh.” Sabina was quiet, eyes thoughtful as Elena made a move to get past her, the pair forced face-to-face in the cramped bathroom. “Wait, you’ve got a little something…” Sabina trailed off, swiping her thumb against Elena’s cheek. “Toothpaste. All gone now.” 

“Okay,” Elena whispered, Sabina’s hand still on her cheek. She could feel the coolness of Sabina’s silver rings against her skin, their eyes still locked in on each other. 

“Can I...?” 

Elena nodded, whatever she thought she was going to say next cut off by Sabina’s lips on hers. She leaned in, opening her mouth slightly, Sabina’s breath hot against hers. Elena breathed her in, her hands shaking as they made their way up the back of Sabina’s neck with the intent to pull her closer. 

She wanted to leave a mark, something to prove that Sabina was hers and that she was here, with spit slicked lips and Sabina’s fingers on her. If she thought about it, she could feel Sabina’s individual fingers on her back, all ten hot and heavy and holding her up. The sink dripped behind them and the counter dug into her back, hips on hips. “I—“ she trembled, burying her head in Sabina’s shoulder to fight back the onset of tears. 

“Hey, hey,” Sabina stroked her back, “it’s alright. You’re okay.”

The pair was silent for a few moments, quiet shuddering breathes with the distant hum of the music seeping up from downstairs. “I know, I....“ Elena tried, “it’s so  _ much _ .” 

Sabina pulled away from her so she could look at her fully, hands heavy on her shoulders and eyes filled with concern. “Too much? We can stop, Elena. We can—“

Elena shook her head, fisting her hand in Sabina’s dress, the sequins sharp against her fingertips. “No, no.” She leaned back against the bathroom wall, tile cold against her neck. “Keep going,  _ please _ .” It was everything at once. Elena was drowning in skin, in heat, in closeness. Sabina was everywhere at once, the thoughts in her head and the mouth on hers. Sabina was touching her,  _ Jesus Christ _ , Sabina’s lips were on hers and Elena could have died right then and there for the second time that night, with her shirt rucked up and Sabina’s fingers tangled in her hair. 

“No. Elena, babe. Look at me.” Sabina’s hand cupped under her chin, lifting her head up ever so slowly so Elena would make eye contact with her. “We’re not going to do this here.” She kept talking, hands gesturing through the air, but Elena couldn’t,  _ wouldn’t _ , hear anything else she said. 

_ Not going to do this.  _

Elena stumbled back, back pressed against the wall. “No, no. Stop.  _ Stop. _ ”

Sabina’s face fell, eyes dark and confused. “Elena? Hold on, what’s—“

She didn’t want. Sabina didn’t want her. She’d just led her on this whole time. Just led her on so she could get back to her fucking girlfriend and her fucking motorcycle and the rest of her  _ fucking  _ life. And Elena was just along for the ride, playing the role of a cheater and an idiot and someone who was entirely in over their head. 

“Don’t touch me. Just don’t— _ please _ .” Elena’s breath was ragged, her hands shaking. Sabina’s spit was still on her lips, in her mouth, and she wanted to gag, wanted to scrape her skin off and close her eyes and disappear forever and ever and ever. 

“Oh, no, no. Shit. Elena…I’m drunk, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have, I…“ Sabina stammered, as Elena just shook her head, let Sabina leave, with wild eyes and Elena’s pink lip gloss across her face. She scraped her palms across her face, tears smearing her makeup and running down her cheeks, her lips, dripping down her neck still warmed by Sabina’s fingers. 

By the time Jane came back, she’d already thrown up twice, curling herself into a ball on the tile floor with her head in her hands. 

— 

Elena spent half of her Saturday being horrendously hungover, trying not to puke in the shower. She spent the rest of it laying in bed, buried under her covers, listening to the saddest playlist she had – the angsty ones filled with Cat Powers and Clario. It was like she wanted to feel  _ something _ , wanted to make herself cry.

And she kind of did, alternating between pacing around her room, fists clenched; then curling up on her bed, staring up at the posters and glow-in-the-dark stars on her ceiling. She opened her backpack for a second, but couldn’t even muster up enough energy for one calculus worksheet. 

She had muted her phone, but her fingers still itched to type a message to  _ anyone  _ at this point. Jane had dropped her off last night with eyes dark with concern, pity heavy in the air between them. Elena knew she had texts from her, long ones with phrases like “you can tell me anything”, “I’m here for you” and “Are you okay? Just let me know if you want to talk.” Elena wanted to text her back, but she was Sabina’s friend, Elena couldn’t text  _ her _ about Sabina, that crossed too many lines. 

She dug her phone out of her desk drawer, where she’d placed it out of sight and temptation, covered in old calculators and dried out pens she should have thrown out a long time ago. 

_ Hey, want to come over and study? _

_ Langston (From Robotics Club) questioned your message.  _

_ It’s Saturday?  _

_ Fine, it’s not about studying. It’s girl stuff.  _

_ Say no more. Mint chocolate chip or vegan vanilla ice cream? Or both? _

— 

True to her word, Langston showed up fifteen minutes later with slightly melted ice cream in hand, a backpack full of rom-coms, and kleenex. 

“So? Who’s the guy?” she asked once Elena had settled on her bed, spoonful of mint chocolate chip halfway to her mouth. 

“Girl, actually.” She said after a second, palms sweaty because as much as she wished she can come out and say the words  _ I’m gay, _ they stayed stuck to the back her throat. They waited for another time when she was braver to say something other than an easy out, but at this point, even something easy was hard enough. 

“Oh,  _ oh.”  _

“Is that...that’s not a bad thing for you, right?” 

“No, no! Of course not. I just didn’t know.” Langston gestured for her to continue, “Well, anyway, the girl?” 

“Sabina.” 

“Sabina?  _ That  _ Sabina? Oh, wow. Okay.” 

Elena launched into the entire background story, ice cream abandoned as she spilled out all of her emotions from the past months to the person she’d least suspect she’d be telling all of this too. Langston nodded in the right places, made affirming “mhmm”s and “uh-huh”s, and handed Elena tissues when she started crying again and they started disintegrating in her hand. 

Langston shifted from her spot on the floor once Elena had finally stopped talking, rearranging her messy ponytail like she was ready to get down to business. “Wow Elena, that’s…” 

“Crazy? Insane?” Elena supplied as she set her spoon aside. 

“No. Well, sort of yes... But also, that’s just weird. I mean, she hooked up with you but  _ also  _ has a girlfriend? Huh.” 

Elena nodded. “Yeah,” she said wetly, “it’s just a mess.” 

“I’m sorry, dude, that’s just shitty. Like really,  _ really  _ shitty.” 

“Oh,” Elena’s eyes stung again, because it  _ was _ shitty, and she knew it, but hearing someone else say it makes it mean something more, something  _ worse _ . “I guess so, yeah.” She stood up, making a move towards her bedroom door, hand halfway to the handle. “I’m sure you’ve got to get going and everything. Thanks for listening and the ice cream.” 

“Well, wait a second. What are you going to do about it?” 

Elena hesitated, she hadn’t thought this far ahead. It had just been speculation after speculation, her mind living in a fantasy where everything either worked out or nothing happened at all. It was black and white. Yes or no. That was how equations worked, solutions had one answer. This had never been a part of the plan, some sort of uneven, grey space in the middle of nowhere. 

“But, it’s Sabina. She’s not going to like, break up with her insanely, super hot girlfriend for  _ me _ . She has a fucking  _ motorcycle _ . A red one.” Elena explained, setting her carton of ice cream down a little more forceful than necessary, drops of condensation scattering across her nightstand.

“I mean,” Langston started, her tone playful, eyes sparkling as she looked up at Elena, “she did already kind of hook-up with you, so maybe it’s not a lost cause?” 

Elena groaned in response, throwing herself back onto her bed. “I don’t know what to do,” she complained, voice muffled in her pillows.

“Has she reached out or anything?” 

“She may have texted me,” Elena said slowly, lifting her head up as she avoided Langston’s gaze. “But I deleted the messages?” 

Langston shrieked, nearly smacking Elena off of the bed as she scrambled to her feet. “What?! You need to get them back! Undelete! Undelete!” 

Elena pointed her in the direction of her desk, her phone sitting on top, still muted. “You’re welcome to try.”

Langston picked it up, staring at the screen. “You, uh, have a text from her. Want me to read it or….?” 

“No!” Elena snatched her phone, before realizing that now  _ she _ had to read them. “I’ll do it. I need moral support though.” Langston placed a warm hand on her shoulder as she unlocked her phone, heart thumping in her chest, hands shaky. 

_ Elena, i’m so sorry. i know i messed up and it was entirely my fault. i totally understand if you want space and time, i get it and i’ll give you whatever you need. but i just want to make sure you’re okay before i have to see you again at school. i don’t want anything to be weird. text me or call me, plz. it doesn’t need to be in person. i just need to know you’re alright.  _

Elena swallowed hard, sweat prickling at the back of her neck. There was a heart emoji at the end of the text that she focused her eyes on, feeling Langston’s concerned gaze on her; finally filled with some type of empathy she’d be willing to take. 

“Well?! What’d she say?” 

Elena scrubbed a hand over her face. “She’s sorry, knows I need space. but wants to talk so it’s not weird between.” She looked over at Langston, “‘Not weird’ _ ,  _ like isn’t it already? She was the one who  _ made it weird. _ ”

“Elena. She’s like, very, very into you, girlfriend or whoever aside! It’s obvious she likes you. Why else would she be stress texting you?” 

“I— ” Elena frowned down at her phone, “What if she’s just guilty or selfish or whatever? What if it’s all for her and—”

“Look, I’m not going to tell you what to do, because it’s your choice. But if you said yes, that you wanted to talk, are you ready for that?” Langston settled next to Elena on her bed, eyes serious as her hands moved rapidly through the air. “Because all of this like literally  _ just  _ happened, and I think you need to decide if you can handle it.” 

It wasn’t healthy and she wasn’t ready. But she wasn’t sure if she’d ever be. Elena just couldn’t stay away from Sabina; she couldn’t forget everything that had happened. She couldn’t separate the Sabina she knew from sun streaming through the trees through open windows and parking lots filled with clouds of smoke and dark theaters and leather jackets from the person who’d cheat on her girlfriend and drag someone else in the middle of it all. 

But now Elena was here, in the middle, and for as much as she prided herself in being intelligent, this one was equation Elena would never be able to solve; no matter how much time and space she put between it. She’d knew she wreck everything she’d been building up in herself, but how would she ever know if she didn’t at least try?

“Fuck,” she swore under her breath, “I-I need to know what she has to say. But she only gets one time to say it. Only  _ one _ . Because I...because I can’t think about this anymore.” 

Langston nodded, handing her the phone. “Don’t tell me that, tell her.” 

— 

_ leaving now, be over in 10  _

Elena glanced down at her phone again, throwing at onto her bed with more force than necessary before she headed downstairs. The house was quiet-- both her parents were at the office-- and it was getting dark outside. She turned on a few lamps and rearranged the orange throw pillows on the couch before she realized how uncomfortable she would be, if she had to sit there, across from Sabina, both frozen in place on her lump, grey Ikea couch. 

She waited outside instead, bare feet going numb on the cold concrete steps as she watched the sun sink below the rooftops of her neighborhood, identical suburban houses in neat little rows. There was a mother and daughter walking their golden retriever, a carpool full of kids with their matching soccer uniforms, and a taxi dropping off a weary looking businessman.

And there was Sabina’s car, the little, blue Subaru coming to a stop in front of her house. It was dark enough where Elena couldn’t see her inside, but she was sure that Sabina was going through the same motions she was; deep breaths and mixed emotions. She toyed with her necklaces, eyes on the ground until she was looking at Sabina’s ratty, used-to-be-white sneakers in front of her.

“Hey.”

Elena looked up, meeting Sabina’s eyes. They were rimmed red like hers and Elena could tell Sabina had the same type of weekend she’d had, which didn’t make her feel any better. Instead, it made her feel even worse, just knowing that Sabina had emotions, had some sort of feelings towards everything.

She was stupid, to think that she could come in with guns blazing, when just looking at Sabina, with her short hair sticking up in a million directions and ripped jeans, made her want to reach out, instantly drawn to her. Elena knew she was still trying to fit her desire into what should have been an anger shaped hole, but she tried to squish it in anyway.

“Why didn’t you tell me that Rebekah is your girlfriend?”

“Why didn’t I…? Wait, wait, _what_? _”_

“You heard me.” Elena glared at her, shoving her shaking hands into her pockets.

“Elena, wait, hold on a second—”

“No! It would have made this a lot easier, okay? I get I’m younger than you and everything, but you didn’t have to make me feel this dumb! Because now, now I just feel….” She trailed off, tears prickling at the corners of her eyes.

“Elena…”

She picked up a lone, dried leaf and started shredding it between her fingers, willing herself not to cry. “I feel so...used. Because of  _ you _ .”

Sabina took a step backwards, hands out in front of her like she was surrendering. “Look, Elena, that’s all true and valid and I’m not going to diminish any of that, but...” She raked her fingers through her hair, face still frozen in confusion. “Sorry, I just came here with this whole list of stuff to say and  _ that  _ was not on it, so give me a second.”

“Oh, so you’re telling me you just  _ conveniently _ forgot to mention that you cheated on your girlfriend? Or did you forget that, too? When you kissed  _ me _ ?” Elena spat out, ripe with the anger that flooded in, hands curled into fists in her pockets. 

Sabina stepped closer. “Elena! I didn’t cheat on Rebekah, because I’m not dating her in the first place!”

“What?” Elena whispered, not quite sure if she’d heard her right or if that was just what she wanted to hear.

“I’m not dating anyone, for that matter.”

“But, you kissed? And you spent half the night talking to her? What was that, then?”

“That was me hanging out with my friend who I never get to see!” Sabina groaned in frustration, throwing her hands up into the air. “Elena, I know what it looks like, okay? But you have to believe me!” 

“And why should I do that?” Elena clenched her jaw, springing up from the steps. “You know, I thought that this school would be different, that  _ you  _ would be different. I-I thought you, of all people, would have been better than that.” 

She stabbed her finger into Sabina’s chest, the space around them silent except for their ragged breathing. In the distance a garage door opened and a jogger ran past, music in his headphones loud enough Elena could hear it from where she stood. They both took a step back, Sabina wringing her hands together and Elena tugging on the hem of her shirt. 

Sabina scrubbed a hand over her face, voice giving away her exhaustion. “Can we just sit down, for a second?” Elena perched on the far end of the steps, dropping her gaze to the grey concrete beneath her. 

“First things first, I’m glad you’re okay. That’s the whole reason I came.” 

Elena cleared her throat, voice raspy. Her face was sticky with tears, drying in salty tracks down her cheeks. “Thanks.” 

“Again, Boz isn’t my girlfriend, never have and never will be. So I wasn’t cheating on anyone when I kissed you.” 

Elena held her gaze steady to the ground, scared of what would happen if she looked at Sabina. She could see her moving out of the corner of her eye, toying with her shoelaces, face steeled. “Then what  _ were  _ you doing?” 

“She was my wingwoman. I invited Boz and spent time with her so she could help me figure something out. She was supposed to be watching you at the party.” 

“Me?” 

“Yes. She was watching you—” 

“For you.” Elena laughed in disbelief. This was not happening. She sat for a second, willing the relief spreading across her like warmth to slow down. “Do I come across as straight to you?” 

Sabina startled, hands falling to her sides, and Elena knew she’d hit the nail on the head. “Yes, er, no. I don’t know! That’s what she was supposed to be figuring out for me!” 

Elena swallowed hard. “Sabina, do you...like me?” 

“Yeah— _ yes _ . Yes. I kissed you because I wanted to, ‘cause I’ve been flirting with you this  _ entire _ time, Elena. And I don’t know if you just didn’t see it or I’m worse than I thought but, God, Elena.” Sabina trailed off, holding Elena’s steady gaze, eyes glassy with tears. 

Elena couldn’t breathe, couldn’t find a way to wake up. She’d waited and waited for a moment like this to come, all the while knowing it never would. But now, it was here and she knew it was too good to be true. It was a joke, it  _ had _ to be. “No.”

Sabina blinked, bit her lip as her eyebrows furrowed. “ _ No _ ?”

“You’re joking.” Elena wrapped her arms around herself, ready for Sabina to say she was right, to laugh it off along with her. Because how else could this be true?

Sabina shook her head, voice sharp. “Do you really think I’m joking? Do you really think I would have kissed you as a  _ joke _ ? The only reason I stopped was so our first kiss didn’t have to be Jane’s bathroom! Elena, I’ve liked you since the first day I met you, okay? Why would I make something like that up?” She was fully crying now, voice cracking and wiping her sweatshirt sleeve across her face, blotchy with tears. 

Elena wanted to reach out, wanted to hold onto her shoulders and kiss her with everything she had left so this could all stop being such a  _ mess.  _ It was easier to go along with the idea that Sabina would have never been hers, that she could never be in the same league as someone like her. “If you like me so much,” she finally said, “then why would you apologize for kissing me? Why would you when I  _ wanted _ it?” 

“You don’t know what you want, Elena!” Sabina spat out, green eyes dark with anger, like now, she was the one being led on. 

It was like she knew what Elena had been thinking, had been feeling this entire time. But now, Elena finally,  _ finally _ knew what she wanted and it had been right in front of her the entire time. 

Sabina’s voice was thick and she heaved out her words in between onslaughts of tears. “I’ve messed around with too many people, too many girls who just  _ want to check things out _ . And you… you can’t be one of those. I won’t let you. It never ends well—Jane already tore into me because of what happened on Friday. The last thing I want to do is hurt you again.” 

Elena reached out a shaky hand in between them, keeping her gaze trained in front of her. “You’d never hurt me.” Sabina grabbed her hand, thumb tracing circles on her wrist as Elena kept talking, kept spilling out everything in a desperate measure for Sabina to understand, to stay. 

Now that she was here, Elena never wanted her to leave. “But, I can’t be just friends with you, because that would just  _ suck _ . Sabina, I know what I want. It’s you. It’s always been you since I met you. And I know that’s a lot and everything, but I’m done pushing you away and I’m here. I’m  _ right here. _ ” 

She heard Sabina inhale sharply and when she looked over, she was blinking back more tears. She opened and closed her mouth, shaking her head like she wanted to say something, anything, but couldn’t. “Can I kiss you?” Elena asked, already moving closer next to her. She could feel the heat radiating off of her when Sabina nodded, squeezing her hand and pulling her in tight. 

She tasted like vanilla chapstick and salt and made Elena self-conscious of her own chapped lips, the ones she’d nervously bitten the last few days. Their kiss before had been an unsteady unraveling of everything Elena had thought she knew, but now, this time, it was an arrow, one that pointed in the exact direction she wanted to go. 

“Do you believe me now?” 

Sabina absentmindedly traced patterns on Elena’s back with her hand, so close their noses touched. “Yes,  _ yes _ . Of course I do.” 

“I...I’m sorry I almost screwed everything up. I should have just told you earlier.” 

“No, don’t be.” Sabina’s hands rested on her shoulders. “None of this is your fault, okay? You’re like crazy brave for all of this, don’t forget that.” 

Elena just nodded, pressing her forehead against Sabina’s and exhaling for what felt like the first time in forever. They sat like that for a moment, sprawled out across Elena’s front steps, limbs tangled together, hand in hand. The sun had fully set, leaving streaks of hazy orange across the otherwise darkened sky. Sabina’s fingers trailed through Elena’s hair, pausing for a second as she got lost in her thoughts. 

“Sabina? All good?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Sabina shook her head, giving Elena a soft smile as she tugged her up from the steps. “It’s getting late though, and as much as I hate to, I should probably get going.”

Elena leaned in for another kiss, almost dizzy with disbelief that this was still happening. Not only was she a girl who liked other girls, who fell in love with them, but now she was a girl who  _ kissed _ them. “Alright. See you tomorrow?” She sighed, reluctant to detach herself from Sabina.

“Hang on a second. I want to give you something,” Sabina said, pulling her keys out of her pocket. Elena followed her to her car, the grass wet with dew underneath her feet and Sabina’s warm hand in hers. 

Sabina dug around her in her backseat and eventually emerged with her leather jacket in hand. Elena could practically feel the weight of it on her shoulders, could smell Sabina’s distinct mix of coffee, old wood, and smoke ingrained in the black fabric.

“You don’t have to, like, wear it at school or anything, ‘cause I don’t want to make you feel like you have to come out.” Sabina held it out in front of her, nervously eyeing Elena as she smoothed out the fabric. “And I don’t know what we are, or what you want us to be, or  _ any _ of that, but I just...want you to have it—if you want it.”

“Of course,  _ of course, _ I want it.” Elena somehow choked out before she was assaulted by what felt like the fifth attack of tears that night. She reached out and wrapped Sabina into a hug, throwing her arms around her neck as Sabina leaned in, sighing in relief. 

“Good.” Sabina grinned, kissing her neck and eventually finding her way back up to Elena’s lips. “I was worried.”

“Well don’t be. What do you think, should I wear it on Monday? Show up to school with it on?”

“Elena,  _ God.  _ You make me crazy.” Sabina gave a soft laugh, breathe hot against Elena’s shoulder. They kissed for a few more minutes, attempting to pull away once, twice, before Sabina finally checked her watch, swearing as she gets into her car. The feeling of Sabina’s hands, lips on hers lingered and ached as she watched her drive away, headlights flashing down the street. 

But, as Elena slipped on the jacket as she headed back towards her house, sinking into the warm leather, she finally felt it. 

She’d held herself together for so long. Now it felt like a sharp intake of breath, a jump into cold water, it felt like  _ everything  _ for it all spill out, to be open, to be out, to be happy. To not only love, but to be loved back.

She knew where she had been, but now, Elena knew exactly where she was going.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos to Honey & Belatheo for all of their editing help. Also a major shoutout to objectlessons for inspiring this! 
> 
> As always, thanks for reading, hope you like it! I'm open to comments, questions, requests, & whatever else you have, they never fail to make my day! (p.s hit me up on tumbler @jennb55!)
> 
> (title from "oh no" by softee)


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